My ancestor was a rishi and not some ape as I believed all along.
This I learned during a visit to GOC for vacation a few months ago. I should
thank the honorable MP Satyapal Singh (former HRD minister who used to be
responsible for higher education) for opening my eyes. One good thing about me
is that I am the questioning type. So, when Mr. Singh said this in the Indian
parliament, I immediately decided to do some research of my own. That’s how I
am. I don’t blindly believe something when someone tells it, unless of course
it comes through WhatsApp asking for "maximum share" or from some
website which has words such as “true” or “right” in its name. Then I
instinctively know it is true.
The rishi thing turned out to be a pretty watertight theory.
Rishis, as we all know, can do anything they want. For instance, they can
impregnate pretty damsels with their minds. That’s what I reasoned, because
visualizing the other option of rishis fornicating with damsels, which my
pervert mind did imagine for a brief period, seemed blasphemous. So, I tried to
wipe that image out of my mind and replace it with a rishi getting a lady
pregnant just by thinking. #$%&, I can’t get rid of that. A Baba Ramdev-ish
rishi having coitus with a damsel, hairs and bodies tangled and stuck together
like Velcro, sound of conchs breaking and Acharya Balakrishna complaining of
giddiness in the background. “Oh, rishis, forgive me. Don’t curse me. I have no
control over my thoughts”.
Anyway, with that doubt about my ancestry settled, I went to sleep, sound in the knowledge that I have gained new old wisdom. Next morning, while washing my face I saw my reflection in the mirror, and wondered how frikkin ugly my ancestral rishi would have been (on the premise that rishis impregnate only pretty damsels).
Thank you, former HRD minister.
The exceptional thing regarding HRD ministers of late is that
they’re a treasure trove of ancient wisdom. The new minister Mr. Pokhriyal,
recently enlightened some misguided IIT students on how our ancestors built the
Rama Setu sea bridge with ancient technology. I hope the IIT curriculum will be
changed and kids taught these ancient methods instead of modern stupid
engineering.
Speaking of education, I’m appalled that the government is
straying from its stated aim of bringing back our ancient wisdom in all realms.
Recently, the government offered bridge courses for AYUSH (Ayurveda, Yoga &
Naturopathy, Unani, Siddha and Homoeopathy) people to practice modern medicine.
Suddenly, a whole bunch of doctors started protesting. I feel these are the
wrong docs barking up wrong trees. The government, if it were to follow its own
policy, should be offering bridge courses to modern medicine practitioners so
that they can use AYUSH remedies. In that way, slowly we can ease out the cancer
of modern medicine gnawing away at our nation’s health. There is still time,
and we did see some positive signs with the budget papers being brought to the
parliament in sacred cloth and all. Next up, no budget papers. Let’s hope next
time it’ll be in good old palm leaves and delivered in a chariot.
Continuing with the theme of education, ideas are being floated to
change the names of universities to reflect the current mood of the nation.
Like changing JNU to MNU (dunno what it stands for except that the name
involves Modiji). I think it is OK and any government should be able to change
names as they please. The Film and Television Institute of India (FTII), for
example, could be renamed as NAMUNA (NArendra Modi University of NAutanki). The
humongous body of work including television documentaries that he piled up in a
short period of time deserves appreciation. Didn’t they make a movie titled
“Crocodile Dandi March” with him in the lead? Maybe I’m wrong.
Food – now, this is serious stuff unlike the above drivel. Mallus
in Frankfurt were in the news recently protesting against North Indians who
prevented them from serving beef. I think mallus are being duplicitous in this
matter. These are people who are self-censoring beef and pork out of their
menus in resorts up and down the mallu coast to suck up to North Indian
tourists. My school reunion was at a resort in Kumarakom, Kerala that
boasted a 150-metre long pool. A typical backwater resort, but not worth the
hole they burn in your pocket. They served roti, daal, Chicken Kolhapuri and
such stuff! It's preposterous! Forget Frankfurt, you don’t get no beef, no
parotta, no kappa, no nothing even in the supposedly free southwestern tip of
Faratham nowadays.
Nor is there pork anywhere. Domino’s Pizza used to have pork salami in their
menu. That mysteriously disappeared some time ago. I wrote an e-mail to them,
but never got a reply. Domino's probably wanted to suck up to a certain
community, as they say in the news (or, Muslims, as they are commonly called). Anyway,
I’m back in Japan, where a cup of instant noodle contains everything from pork,
chicken and beef to things you don’t even want to imagine (Oooh, that image
#$%&…..forgive me, my ancestral rishi!) disodium guanylate and autolyzed
torula yeast, whatever they are. Bon Appetit.
