It is 2024, which means a whole year has
gone by without me writing anything. I am not vain enough to think that anybody
missed this. Anyway, before I invite the wrath of devotees of monkey gods
around the world, I must explicitly state here that the monkey god mentioned in
the title is not your god. I don’t want some peace-loving seer, who otherwise wishes
happiness for everyone in the world, to put a price on my head. Also, serendipitously, I
recently saw a video in a family WhatsApp group that conclusively proved (not
that I wanted any proof) the existence of gods (monkey god included) travelling
south to Serendip. Nonetheless, since I don’t want to create even the slightest
misunderstanding among the numerous cult members, I am putting this disclaimer up
front. In fact, the only monkey god I feel safe to refer to is the “mythological”
Egyptian Babi, also known as Baba, fervently hoping that there
are no Egyptian devotees of Baba.
Now, the topic at hand. Some time ago, a
news headline about a mysterious pregnancy in a Japanese zoo caught my
attention. A female gibbon, kept alone in a cage, had somehow gotten pregnant.
There was no way by which the perverted gibbon dudes in nearby cages could’ve
gotten to her. Ideally, in a normal country like India, this would’ve been a
golden opportunity to bring in god and monetize the event. The media would get
on board with theories and proofs of divine pregnancy, etc. A collection box would’ve
mysteriously appeared and scores of devotees from far and wide would’ve flocked
to catch a glimpse of the divine momma.
But this was Japan. The zookeepers, bird-brained as they are, decided to bring in this pesky thing called science, which essentially takes the romance and the mystery out of anything. They did DNA testing to identify the dad, who turned out to be this lecherous old fart in the adjoining cage. (Zookeepers Say They’ve Solved the Mystery of How a Gibbon Got Pregnant by Herself (vice.com)
The theory of how he did it is also
interesting. Apparently, Ito, the dad, poked his tool through a 9mm hole in a steel
plate between the cages to get the job done with Momo, the momma! Hmmmmmmmmm… “Ito,
my man,” I thought. Also, “Momo, girl, what the #$%&?” Then, being
bird-brained like those zookeepers, I immediately googled gibbon “tool”*. Google, unfortunately, didn’t have a clear answer to gibbon tool
dimensions. Anyway, I think there’s still scope for Ito, who is most probably an
avatar of Baba, the Egyptian monkey god who is usually portrayed with an
erection, as per Wikipedia. I have half a mind to get Lord Ito the divinity he
deserves, though I suspect I may have to somehow become a supreme leader with a cult to
get that done.
P.S. These are the kind of thoughts that
keep me from getting depression from watching the cluster#$cks happening around
the world. You should also try it out.
* You were thinking of googling gibbon tool,
weren’t you? Naughty, naughty!
