Sunday, 1 February 2015

Inter-galactic Dreams

Circa 5000 BC (7,000 years ago) – Wing Commander Gopal Biogas was sitting in the cockpit of his interplanetary aircraft. He is taking a bunch of wealthy Indians to a spa resort in Venus to get their fat asses burnt. He despised the lot – sitting there, enjoying their somarasams and samosas, whereas he, the working man, was kept on a diet of milk of buffalo, cow and sheep! Oh, how much he hated that Rishi Bhardwaj, the man who drew up this diet.

The aircraft was a huge jumbo plane – 60ft by 200ft – and had 40 engines (see Interplanetary travel), which ran on fart. There was an elaborate system in place to collect human as well as bovine fart, which was then used as aviation and other fuel. The aircraft ran on a self-sustainable system, wherein the passengers are fed samosas and chana masala to generate flatulence, which is then channelled through holes in the seat to the fuel cells. Belching was not allowed. Today’s trip will take them on a sightseeing trip over Europe, where the natives were still living in the Stone Age as hunter-gatherers, before proceeding to Venus.
Fast forward to A.D. 2014 – Captain Anand Bodas, a descendant of Gopal, is flying a contraption built by the descendants of the Stone Age hunter-gatherers of Europe. It ran on fossil fuels. He wondered when people will come to their senses and go back to fart. He flew over the nation and found that close to 600 million pooped outside (see Open air defecation), wasting so much energy that could have fuelled interplanetary travel as his ancestors once did. How did this happen to this great civilization?

One day we’re flying on fart; the next day (well, technically not the next day) we can’t build a decent potty and are farting and pooping in the open. One day, our plastic surgeons are transplanting elephant heads on to anthropomorphic bodies; the next day we’re cultivating superbugs in our hospital beds. One day we are observing aircraft images in “rooparkanrahasya”, or the ancient radar; the next day we are observing kidappara rahasyam (bedroom secrets) in WhatsApp, again, something developed by those European Neanderthals. He, Captain Bodas, was not going to stand by idly and watch this civilization go down the drain. He decided to go to the Indian Science Congress and get them pseudo-sickular scientists to build real planes!  Planes that can fly to Venus. Planes that can kick ass!

P.S. There are some who say that this is all delusional, because god created the earth only about 6,000 years ago. Well, they'll be ghar-wapsi-ed (brought back to their senses) and enlightened.