As an Aadhaar card-carrying mallu, I have an intimate relationship with beef. So, when I heard there were laddus infused with beef tallow in certain temples, I was a bit surprised and immediately wanted to try that. But I think I’ll have to wait, because as of now nobody knows if that story is true. Continuing with the obsessions of Aadhaar card-carrying mallus, one thing we all like is our tipple, accompanied in most cases by beef in its various incarnations such as beef fry, beef dry fry, beef double fry, beef roast, and chili beef. The epicurean* delights accompanying alcohol are almost always savoury, never sweet. There was one guy though, back in my college days, who was an exception. Let’s call him Thyagarajan II for now (because he resembles the Tamil actor Thyagarajan). He was the strongest guy around and was built like a bull. And, he was the only mallu I ever saw who had laddus as accompaniment for alcohol. Of course, being a mallu, he will also have the beef. Beef with laddus to accompany Old Monk rum. So, what I’m saying is that beef and laddus are not incompatible as the reports suggest. There have been precedents.
My beef with laddu is that I also have a sweet tooth
and can’t keep my hands off if there are laddus around. Same with beef. However,
with each passing year my uric acid levels and my HbA1c levels are nearing danger
levels, forcing me to cut down on three important items in a middle-aged mallu
man’s life—alcohol, beef, and laddu.
Usually, when faced with such difficulties, many people try to get in contact
with supernatural beings, which is what our Chief Justice also did. He apparently
calls god and asks for solutions in such situations. Not me. For some reasons,
from around the age of 12 or 13, I had been interacting with the devil**. Or at least I think it is the devil. I don’t know if my mind was idle at that age as
in the biblical saying “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop”. I was definitely
curious and inquisitive and used to make funny remarks about gods to my mom. Probably
because I came out of her womb, she didn’t get the rakshaks of the faith to
lynch me.
Anyway, when I heard that the Chief Court Dude interacted with a
supernatural being (or was it a non-biological being?), I wanted to know the
details. We, however, should be careful when we talk of court dudes, because
these are people who can do suo motu stuff (means real bad stuff) if they don’t
like something. Looking at the news reports, it is not clear which specific
being he talked to or what advice was offered. So, I am trying to imagine how
it works. Considering his religion and its billion adherents, I have a feeling
that he got a recorded message at first like in those American banks. “All
lines are busy right now. Please hold the line while we connect you to a representative.
Your call may be recorded for security reasons.” This might have been followed by
slow sitar music. Eventually somebody must have come on the line and given him some
gyaan (advice). That triggers further questions in my mind (oh, that devil
again). What if it was a junior god and what if he didn’t like the gyaan that
was offered? Would court dude have asked to speak to a supervisor god? Did he eventually
get to speak to the supreme-est being, whoever it is? What if it was Zeus or Ra
instead of your dude? From what I gather, the being was probably not in a good
mood and told the court dude to “bleep justice” and he took it literally. Given
all the motu motu things such people can do, we will stop pursuing this line of
thinking here and move on to America.
Over the past few months, I had the opportunity to travel to fake
Viswaguru country and real Viswaguru country. The former is my homeland where I
took my family, because, like any mawkish Aadhaar card-carrying mallu, I wanted
my kids to maintain the connection to their roots. Within a few days, I was
brimming with pride. I was in my bed when I overheard the boys, who were in the
next room, addressing each other with the word for pubic hair, as in “nee
neengi kida bleep,” or “you move, bleep”. After a brief sojourn, we returned
back to Japan and then I left with my first-born to the real Viswaguru country,
or the USA. When you go around that country, you understand why it attracts a
lot of people. Everything is big. Big houses, big cars, big roads, big pizzas,
big drinks, big people. Apparently, 10 people from fake Viswaguru country try
to enter the real Viswaguru country illegally every hour, of which five are
from Gujarat, says Times of India. Now, the US is having a big election with a
woman who is half Indian running against an orange-coloured man. My gut feeling
says that Indians would break for Mr. Orange and ditch the woman. More than the
committed MAGA Indians (full-fledged bhakths), the difference will come from people
of Indian origin who identify as “I’m-not-MAGA-but” people. They are the
extension of the “I’m-not-a-bhakth-but” people you find in India. They know
their paw-paw’s support is for his phrend Do Lund, who will spank bad brown
people they don’t like. That’s the only criterion. It doesn’t matter they
themselves are brown. The key phrase here is “don’t like,” or hate. That’s the
driving force. The longer you live, the more you realize that fact. I’m an
example. The other day I was in Shibuya, a popular tourist destination in Tokyo,
and was repelled by the uncouth foreigners there. So, given the general trend
around the world, the same scenario will play out across Europe also sooner
rather than later. Big daddies will start deporting brown and black people back
home. That, incidentally, could include some 725,000 unauthorized Indians in
the US and even more in European countries, from the look of it. Interesting
times ahead.
** The devil, in my opinion, is a reasonable option as a supernatural being.
There’s no “I’m the only devil there is and if you don’t follow me, I’ll kill
you” kinda threats. Also, there are no zealous followers trying to decapitate
you if you say anything against the devil.
