G’bye Annus Stupidus, Allo Annus Ridiculus

It’s festive season again. The air is filled with the pungent smell of burning rubber, plastic and waste.   People are singing paeans to the new messiah - “His Royal Highness, Benevolent, Right Reverend Excellent Chief Minister and Royal Disburser of Alms to the Poor, the Crippled, the Lame and the Blind, and the Royal Shower-er of Riches on Rich People”.

People on the streets are also singing paeans to the Royal Opposition for royally protesting the disbursing and showering while wearing crowns and holding sceptres, symbols which they despise.

People are singing paeans to their MP tha Roor for clearing the environment regarding the deepwater port (the thought behind it is what matters; i.e. the afterthought, after an airport gets all the clearances in the blink of an eye).

They are also singing paeans to the Mayor-ess for triggering a renewed interest in physics, especially the study of inertia.

People are so much into singing paeans, they don’t realize the pains in their nether regions caused by the actions (no, I don’t want to spell it out) of the above royalty.

2013 has been an “annus stupidus” by any standards, but as G. Carlin says, “Inside every silver lining there is a dark cloud”.

And that dark cloud is the New and Improved Kerala Model of Development (NIKMOD), pioneered by the new messiah who is travelling at warp speed to far away destinations. The people are yet to catch up with him. Well, how can they? They are singing paeans (with their heads up their *****)!  

NIKMOD envisions airports at every nook and corner of the State, like bus stands. And this would usher in all-round development. New roads will be built, shopping malls and high-rise condominiums will come up, and international schools will sprout. It would also bring in high-end hospitals with magic ventilators that create illusions of life in the dead to console the relatives and relieve them of the corrupting influence of money.  (I didn’t make this up. This is something I read in the Inter-webby about the benefits of Aranmula airport, though, I admit, he didn’t specify the ventilator part).

And the good tidings don’t end there. We will have bullet trains, monorails, ports, seaplanes, regular planes, convention centres, 5-star hotels, and not to forget helipads at places where we can’t build airports (no $hit!). Ooh! I can’t wait for 2014 –which I hope would be an annus ridiculus- to roll in.

A Happy New Year to Y’all!

P.S. A few days ago, the statue of a former CM was unveiled in Trivandrum. At the time, the government said it will allot land to a foundation in his name. Voila! 48 hours later, the foundation has 37 cents of land in Palayam. This land, mind you, is not in Palayam, Calicut, but in Palayam, Trivandrum - a city with no land for any development, if you believe the current “His Royal Highness, Benevolent, Right Reverend Excellent Chief Minister and Royal Disburser of Alms to the Poor, the Crippled, the Lame and the Blind, and the Royal Shower-er of Riches on Rich People”.  And that too for a man whose loyalties lay elsewhere and who had no love lost for Trivandrum as such.

Xmas Star, High-speed Rail, Lit-fests, Nurses

The other day I was walking out of my gate with my two sons. A guy passed us by, looking intently at my face, and then retraced his steps and asked me my name.  I looked at him for a few seconds and gave my name. He followed it up with “Are you Christians?”  I said no. “Hindus?” Again I replied in the negative. He seemed to be a bit confused whether to go on to the next religion in his list or not. You see, I have this secular, religion-neutral name common to mallus born in the 60s and 70s and he was not sure whether that name worked for Muslims, etc. I decided to help him out and said, “I don’t believe in any imaginary being or in any religion.” He seemed offended by my answer and told me that my response was uncalled for, I have no right to ridicule god, and how did I think we were all here, blah, blah. I cut off the blahs and told him, “Look pal, you’re the one who came to me and asked me my religion. So, if you don’t like what I have to say about it, get lost.” He mumbled that I was right on that point and went away. He must have been a member of one of those Jehovah’s Witness or some such cultish group attracted by the Xmas star still dangling from my porch.

Anyway, the point is, religion is always in your face here in our country. Kerala used to be slightly better, but even here it is getting out of control. So much so that, even the Marxists have inducted Jesus into their pantheon of revolutionary leaders alongside Marx, Lenin, Che, et al (they also have Kim Jong-il, which I find interesting). Most of what Jesus did would fall under the communist concept of things and some fair-minded priests have acknowledged as much. Note to capitalists: Jesus ‘distributed’ whatever bread he had to the thousands who followed him. He didn’t tell them, “OK guys, this is how you make bread. Now, go and find yourselves some wheat and get to work if you don’t want to starve.” It didn’t matter how many bread molecules each person got. All that mattered was that they got something.

Well, now since Jesus is in there, the next logical step for the Marxists would be to incorporate Mohammed into the scheme of things. That is not going to be easy. For one, you can’t have any imagery (google “Jesus and Mo” for a weekly take on deep religious thoughts and some images). The maximum you can do is replace the sickle with the crescent, which would go well with the cross that replaced the hammer.

When did we reach this stage of fear of religion? The last and only person I could remember saying anything was C Kesavan, a former chief minister who died more than 40 years ago.  He was supposed to have said “good riddance, that much less superstition” on hearing about Sabarimala temple being gutted by fire. He probably knew, by virtue of being the CM, the ‘secret’ of the divine fire makaravilaku and would have wanted to save the many that die in stampedes every year trying to watch that fire.    

Now, you have women sitting on the street named after C Kesavan, inhaling photochemical smog, making offerings, flavoured with exhaust fumes and garnished with dust, to a goddess in a temple situated 4 kilometres away; all as part of the biggest congregation of superstitious women in the world. Now, you have obscure mullahs threatening to make $hit-fests out of lit-fests prompted by the devious media. Oh, for a C Kesavan!

A brief look at the ongoing theme of rail-related humbug in Kerala: The govt. has decided to go ahead with the high-speed rail and the pods. There was a report that Japan even promised their 700-series shinkansen for the high-speed rail project. Wow, I hope they are giving it for free. The only thing now left for Japan will be to offer to pay for the tickets of travellers. I'm sure our railway god can get that and more from JICA. To give you an idea of the shinkansen ticket price in Japan - a one-way ticket from Tokyo to Osaka is about 12,000 yen (Rs. 7,600), whereas a cheap airline ticket is about 9,000 yen (5,700). That is more than what an enslaved nurse makes a month in the enlightened, progressive, red communist Kerala. Let’s hope we all strike oil in our backyards (don’t have a backyard? tough luck.) and become rich like the Arabs to keep up with this govt’s dreams.   

Talking of dreams, I like this government’s slogan “athi vegam, bahu dooram,” which can be loosely translated as “at great speed, going a long way”. And that is what they are doing –at high speeds; going far, very far away from realities.  

P.S. It will be good fun to keep track of the money trail in these dream projects - the consultancies, the feasibility studies, the real estate deals… yummy!