In praise of Modi and Shashi Tharoor

In praise of Modi and Shashi Tharoor!? Now, that is one sentence I thought I would never write, not even in my wildest dreams. And believe me, I do have some real wild dreams. I don’t buy into the jingoistic propaganda of Modi and his machinery, and I am more or less disillusioned by Tharoor’s performance as our MP. So, why the praise?

 

In Modi’s case, it is for initiating the dialogue on the issue of filth and for launching the Clean India campaign (though we’ll have to wait and see how it pans out). And in Tharoor’s case, it is for agreeing to cooperate with Modi in that endeavour and praising him for it.

 

That praise, however, did not go down well with the local Congress honchos, who began baying for his blood, and got some consolation when he was removed from the post of party spokesman. These guys are following the tried and trusted practice of the political groupings in Kerala of not letting anything good by the opposing team to become a success. We, the people of Trivandrum, are the most glaring example of this. The garbage crisis here is now three-years old. The state government and the city corporation are blaming each other for the stalemate and we are getting royally screwed.

 

Well, “Inside every silver lining, there is a dark cloud!”

 

I have now hit upon this theory that these guys have a much bigger plan. Take a look at the link below:

 

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/kerala/55-dengue-deaths-in-kerala-in-3-years/article6213781.ece?homepage=true

 

We’re No.1 in dengue deaths and dengue cases reported for the three-year period from May 2011 to May 2014. In fact, we account for more than half of the reported cases. The man you see smiling in the left corner of the picture, the health minister, no less, represents our city. Look at the pride in his face! We also have an equally smug-faced Mayoress, who cooperated in this initiative by not collecting the garbage for the three-year period.

 

This, I think, is part of a secret plan to bring the All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), for which a big tug-of-war is going on between different cities, to Trivandrum. “See, more than half of the sick people in this state are from here, so we deserve it”. Plus, we need a few more cancer centres because a whole bunch of people are expected to get cancer pretty soon as we are encouraging them to burn their plastic and other stuff wherever possible.

 

I am waiting with bated breath. The question though is whether I will have enough breath to bate!! Because, the Marxists (drumroll) have decided to “clean the city in a scientific manner” on Nov 1, 2014.

 

http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-kerala/cpim-on-a-clean-city-mission/article6477367.ece

 

Is the Mayoress involved in this? I don’t think I will bate my breath for that. Not worth it.

 

The fact is, Modi has kicked these people in the nuts and they’re gasping for breath as well as grasping at straws, without realizing that in Modi’s Gujarat, which he ruled for more than a decade, 43% of households still don’t have potties. Not much of an achievement, is it?

 

http://blogs.wsj.com/indiarealtime/2014/06/05/how-indian-states-stack-up-on-access-to-toilets/

 

So, it is highly likely that all this will end up as the usual farcical photo-ops for dudes with brooms, whereas the need of the hour is to reroute rivers through our cities like Hercules did to clean up the Augean stables. If Modi succeeds in that, I will also readily chant Namo*, Namo*.

 

*Regardless of what he achieves, the asterisk is always going to be there against his name.

Capital Punishment

Being the capital, Trivandrum attracts all kinds of people who want to air their grievances in front of the Secretariat here, the de-facto symbol of power. So, for example, if you are a group of divinely ordained people like the Brahmins who used to wield some power; but are currently facing threats from the unwashed, uncouth, un-everything nincompoops (a guy called Parur Rakesh from a lower caste was appointed as a priest recently) who are taking away the one primary job of yours – i.e. having personal conversations with imaginary beings; then you could pack your $#it and come to Trivandrum and protest. You could build a sacred fire in front of the Secretariat and invoke the gods to wreak destruction on the sacrilegious punks trying to cut in on your action. It should be a piece of cake, since you have the secret hotline to said being.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that this is the beauty of India’s democracy. You are free to protest. Another beauty of our so-called democracy is that the state is free to send policemen to disrobe you and crush your family jewels in front of TV cameras broadcasting live to mallu living rooms, as the Marxists recently discovered to their chagrin. This is part of the government’s Bollicks Crushing Programme (BCP) modelled after the Chief Minister’s Mass Contact Programme (MCP, jana sambarkka paripadi). We’re in line for another UN recognition pretty soon. Our MP, Sasi Tha ‘Roor’ should pull some strings in the UN through his social networks to make this a reality. I dream of a day when I would be able to see huge billboards of our CM holding spherical objects in his hands, similar to the ones that showed him holding a bunch of MCP petitions. Talk of emasculating the opposition! Way to go!

(He, our CM, is back with his MCP. When the CM has to go around addressing issues that should ideally be solved by a clerk, then that means something is seriously wrong with the government machinery. Perhaps he could get rid of many of these people and save the exchequer some money.)

Well, apart from the above-mentioned political hullabaloo, Trivandrum also hosts processions and parades by a plethora of religious groupings. Especially, some processions promoted by the Hindu right appear to be part of their strategy to expand their base in Kerala. There was one in which cute little kids dressed as Krishna were forced to walk on the hot city streets. Curiously, none of the kids (pictures) I saw were dark as Krishna. They were all fair to very fair complexioned, not even wheatish. Whatever happened to kaakkakarumbans and kaarvarnans? Another was the Ganapati procession. Suddenly, we are like Bombay! Big-time immersion of Ganpati Bappa in the Arabian Sea. I don’t know whether they were singing “Ganpati bappa morya pudhchya varshi lavkar ya” (Lord Ganesha, come again soon next year) during the procession, but recently when I went to clean-up Sankhumugham beach with a group of volunteers, there were still some Styrofoam, plastic and plaster-of-Paris remains of the lord on the beach, and I almost wanted to go "pudhchya varshi yeu naka". Where are the eco-warriors when we need them?     

Some good (?) things that happened in the recent past – Nilgiri’s started selling Yakult probiotics drinks, which my kids used to love back in Japan. They also have Lindt and other expensive Swiss chocolates (have resisted the temptation so far), tortillas and even miso soups on their shelves. Persimmons are back in season at my favourite vegetable vendor “Spring” in Nanthancode. There are a couple of new restaurants, which I have to try out. And, a new online lending library (letusread.in) has started functioning, for which I promptly signed up today after I read the news in The Hindu. Interesting times ahead.

PS. Couple of days ago I saw a news item where a guy from Kochi was complaining there was a Trivandrum lobby working against them. It seems Tha 'Roor' had commented about some stupid cricket game getting washed out, which didn’t go down well with the Cochin dudes and Cricket Association honchos. What is with this 'Roor' guy and cricket? Anyway, I was interested in this powerful Trivandrum lobby. So, I checked out the KCA website and lo and behold, what do I find? Of all the matches given to KCA, barring a few junior games in Perinthalmanna and Thalaserry, everything else was allotted to – no, not Trivandrum, but Kochi, which included the washed out Duleep Trophy matches, Ranji matches, ODIs, everything! Some powerful Trivandrum lobby this is!  Or, it might just be that this Trivandrum lobby strived to get all the matches for Kochi so that they could sit back and enjoy the super soppers in action. Wicked, or what? I, for one, think the super soppers are more fun. I hope more and more such matches are washed out, whether in Trivandrum or Kochi, or Ranchi or Cuttack so that these match-fixing, lazy, untalented bozos do not get a chance to show off their mediocrity.

One thing we all should remember – when things like these happen, it means there is money involved and "they" would like to keep it as exclusive as possible, lest their share of the pie become smaller. "You" are there just to hold the flags, throw the stones and get kicked in the nuts. They walk all the way to the bank. OK, not walk, but go in a car. Land will be given away for free to moneybags, coal fields will be given to corporations for peanuts, and frequencies will be allocated for a pittance to telecom companies. In the meantime, you’ll be given polluted air to breathe, poisoned water to drink and intermittent power to watch the idiot box. Be thankful.    

 

Amicus Curiae, or what?

 Every now and then a word pops up in the media which makes you go, “what the f$#k is that?” Over the past few weeks one such word has been bothering me. The word is amicus curiae, and everybody seems to know it. It rolls off the tongue of TV ladies effortlessly as if they were taught “A is for Amicus Curiae”, instead of “A is for Apple” in kindergarten.  Mind you, these are people who can’t differentiate between Malayalam letters such as ba and bha.

I found out through painstaking research in Google that the word means “friend of the court”, or a person appointed by the court to assist it in deciding a matter. Here the matter is what to do with Padmanabhan’s jewels (or Padmanaba, as the ladies say) hoarded in the temple vaults, at least one of which is guarded by killer snake symbols.  After weighing the pros and cons of a snakebite, the amicus curiae decided to become an amicus regius, friend of the royals. We don’t know what the court will decide. Hopefully, it will benefit the people, as the leftists hope, rather than a bunch of superstitious sycophants.

At the same time, the Hindu groups’ claim that the Left is targeting only them is also legitimate. There is quite a bit of pussyfooting by the Left when it comes to other religions. My hope is that one day a government of ours, left or right, will develop the guts to tax all these religion-related entities – the temples, churches, mosques, ammas, appas, babas, bhabhis, swamis and swaminis. Some small percentage will do, which could be used to develop the civic facilities used by these groups for festivals, etc.

Anyway, we have some breathing space till the court decides on what to do with the Lord’s jewels. If the Lord doesn’t like the verdict, get ready for snake attacks, thunderbolts from heaven and other means through which the Lord wreaks destruction. By the way, do you think the guys who did the divination with the cowry shells know how it is going to end (because the Lord must know how it ends and have told them, otherwise it doesn’t make much sense in being the Lord, does it)? The suspense is killing me.

Whether the Lord likes it or not, his land is now literally a stinking cesspool. The chief minister, while chitchatting with some German kids who pointed out the garbage problem, told them that there is no good model to follow to solve this. He told that to Germans! Germany is a country which even Japan looks up to as a model for garbage handling, recycling, etc. Pathetic. Can someone teach these guys googling? Only a few days ago, a group led by a minister went to China to “learn”, among other things, about garbage handling. There had been umpteen such expeditions before to all corners of the world, but we are still weighing all the options, lest something goes wrong. Perhaps he could go to Brahmapuram and see how it is done in Cochin before we all go down with dengue.    

In the meantime, the city Corporation held a convention with politicians from different parties, social and cultural leaders as well as regular folk. They took some kind of pledge (led by actor Suresh Gopi) about garbage with their hands held out. What more could we possibly ask for? A convention and a pledge! I have a nagging feeling that at least some of the guys who took the pledge had their middle fingers out.

P.S. Continuing with the theme of the previous post – A couple of weeks ago I went to a restaurant called Villa Maya near Eenchakkal. Very high-end, with an ambience that a few years ago would have looked out of place in Trivandrum, but now, doesn’t appear too odd. Signs again of the rising affluence of the city. The prices are five-star-ish and the menu is quite appealing and palatable to Indians. Their operation will need some tweaking as far as some of the dishes I ordered are concerned. First up, the steak. They never asked me how I wanted it. I got a too well-done steak, whereas I like mine rare, or medium rare, at the most. Next is the Quattro Formaggi pizza, a pizza made of four (quattro) cheeses (formaggi). Though reasonably good, it didn’t seem like it had four cheeses in it. It is a new place and probably lacks in experience, but on the whole I think it is a good addition to the city’s dining scene.  

 

Xmas Star, High-speed Rail, Lit-fests, Nurses

The other day I was walking out of my gate with my two sons. A guy passed us by, looking intently at my face, and then retraced his steps and asked me my name.  I looked at him for a few seconds and gave my name. He followed it up with “Are you Christians?”  I said no. “Hindus?” Again I replied in the negative. He seemed to be a bit confused whether to go on to the next religion in his list or not. You see, I have this secular, religion-neutral name common to mallus born in the 60s and 70s and he was not sure whether that name worked for Muslims, etc. I decided to help him out and said, “I don’t believe in any imaginary being or in any religion.” He seemed offended by my answer and told me that my response was uncalled for, I have no right to ridicule god, and how did I think we were all here, blah, blah. I cut off the blahs and told him, “Look pal, you’re the one who came to me and asked me my religion. So, if you don’t like what I have to say about it, get lost.” He mumbled that I was right on that point and went away. He must have been a member of one of those Jehovah’s Witness or some such cultish group attracted by the Xmas star still dangling from my porch.

Anyway, the point is, religion is always in your face here in our country. Kerala used to be slightly better, but even here it is getting out of control. So much so that, even the Marxists have inducted Jesus into their pantheon of revolutionary leaders alongside Marx, Lenin, Che, et al (they also have Kim Jong-il, which I find interesting). Most of what Jesus did would fall under the communist concept of things and some fair-minded priests have acknowledged as much. Note to capitalists: Jesus ‘distributed’ whatever bread he had to the thousands who followed him. He didn’t tell them, “OK guys, this is how you make bread. Now, go and find yourselves some wheat and get to work if you don’t want to starve.” It didn’t matter how many bread molecules each person got. All that mattered was that they got something.

Well, now since Jesus is in there, the next logical step for the Marxists would be to incorporate Mohammed into the scheme of things. That is not going to be easy. For one, you can’t have any imagery (google “Jesus and Mo” for a weekly take on deep religious thoughts and some images). The maximum you can do is replace the sickle with the crescent, which would go well with the cross that replaced the hammer.

When did we reach this stage of fear of religion? The last and only person I could remember saying anything was C Kesavan, a former chief minister who died more than 40 years ago.  He was supposed to have said “good riddance, that much less superstition” on hearing about Sabarimala temple being gutted by fire. He probably knew, by virtue of being the CM, the ‘secret’ of the divine fire makaravilaku and would have wanted to save the many that die in stampedes every year trying to watch that fire.    

Now, you have women sitting on the street named after C Kesavan, inhaling photochemical smog, making offerings, flavoured with exhaust fumes and garnished with dust, to a goddess in a temple situated 4 kilometres away; all as part of the biggest congregation of superstitious women in the world. Now, you have obscure mullahs threatening to make $hit-fests out of lit-fests prompted by the devious media. Oh, for a C Kesavan!

A brief look at the ongoing theme of rail-related humbug in Kerala: The govt. has decided to go ahead with the high-speed rail and the pods. There was a report that Japan even promised their 700-series shinkansen for the high-speed rail project. Wow, I hope they are giving it for free. The only thing now left for Japan will be to offer to pay for the tickets of travellers. I'm sure our railway god can get that and more from JICA. To give you an idea of the shinkansen ticket price in Japan - a one-way ticket from Tokyo to Osaka is about 12,000 yen (Rs. 7,600), whereas a cheap airline ticket is about 9,000 yen (5,700). That is more than what an enslaved nurse makes a month in the enlightened, progressive, red communist Kerala. Let’s hope we all strike oil in our backyards (don’t have a backyard? tough luck.) and become rich like the Arabs to keep up with this govt’s dreams.   

Talking of dreams, I like this government’s slogan “athi vegam, bahu dooram,” which can be loosely translated as “at great speed, going a long way”. And that is what they are doing –at high speeds; going far, very far away from realities.  

P.S. It will be good fun to keep track of the money trail in these dream projects - the consultancies, the feasibility studies, the real estate deals… yummy!